I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
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