When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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