there's paper in my vomit.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
