The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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