If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
‘Nice Girl’ Goes On Psychotic Text Rant After Her Date Said He Was Running Late
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
This Christian Blogger Wrote A Post Called ‘Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos’ And The Dunks Are Solid Gold
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
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