I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.