The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
