Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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