i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
