just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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