Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
