my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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