is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
