i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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