Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
