I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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