I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
