I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
