Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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