WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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