I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
