Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
