it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Damn victory sex feels great
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
