i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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