3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I will die if light touches me.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
