I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think i have herpe
just one?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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