Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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