Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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