My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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