the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
