My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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