Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
did i walk over a car last night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
