The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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