I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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