Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
