My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
