remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
