My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
