dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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