i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
