everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
