omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
