i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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