Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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