about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
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Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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