why didn't you poke me back
Please, let me fuck your mom
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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