apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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