theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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