i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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