I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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