Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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