i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
