I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
