He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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