I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
