hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
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Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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